But this post is not about abortion. I'll deal with that separately. I only wanted to produce my bona fides, in a sense: I have been in the shoes of both situations, so I believe I can speak with some authority. I have also discussed it, and participated in hundreds of forum postings, collecting anecdotal evidence from other women in the same situations.

If memory serves me correctly, the "evangelical" position on open records went something like this: if an unwed pregnant woman believes her records might not remain forever sealed, she is more likely to pursue a path of abortion than adoption. I don't believe that's a position that can be supported, and as an evangelical myself, I dislike having my faith identification co-opted by a position that diverges from what I have experienced as truth, for myself and the majority of others.

Even though abortion was illegal in 1969 when I became pregnant at the age of 18, it was an option for me. A person with some influence and position (a friend, not the father) would have pulled the legal/medical/financial strings to provide an abortion for me. I was not a believer at the time, and I knew nothing about abortion, to judge it good or bad. Nor did I believe it would be possible for me to raise my child as a single mother; in those days it simply was not done. I don't think you can overstate how much our society has changed in the past 40 years. However, from the time I knew I was pregnant, I had a sense that this child had a destiny. Even then, at 6 weeks pregnant, I knew it was a boy, and named him David.

After he was born I refused to sign the adoption papers until I was absolutely certain it was what I needed to do. It was probably 6 weeks before I did. I have 3 photos that were taken then, of him and of us together. I treasured them all these years.

Here is the counseling I was provided: "Now, you go home and just forget this ever happened, and some day you will have completely forgotten about it. You'll get married and have children of your own and live happily ever after. You can't ever find out what happened to the child, you can't ever contact him, because the records are sealed tighter than a tomb. That's to protect the privacy of the adoptive family. You were a bad girl, you made a mistake, and the price you pay for it is you lose any chance to know the child you gave birth to. The best you can do for yourself is forget."

So I went home and tried to forget. Isaiah 49:15 says, "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?" The answer is, no. Her body, her mind, her heart, her spirit are forever altered by the experience. I had not only relinquished my firstborn, I had also relinquished my sense of self-worth, an act which only Christ could redeem. But it would be three decades before that came to pass.

In the years that followed, I lived a life of reprobation, engaging in serial relationships, multiple marriages and divorces, and, of course, repeated pregnancies. The first of these occurred during the first marriage, and the miscarriage precipitated its end. The next was terminated by abortion: after experiencing the trauma of relinquishing a child to adoption, I decided I couldn't make myself go through that again. Why did it never occur to me that the appropriate time to choose would have been BEFORE I got pregnant?

This is so hard to write, it's taken me all day. But I do have a point to make.

The birthmothers I have known through the years, including some I have counseled in recent years, were never concerned for their privacy in the adoption matter, in fact quite the opposite, as evidenced by the fact that most of the recent birthmothers have contracted for open adoption. They have stayed actively involved in their children's lives to the extent that the adoptive families were able to handle. The birthmothers from my era have wept to hear that it was possible to have such contact.

The women who have had abortions post-Roe did not for the most part grow up with the stigma attached to unwed motherhood. Why would they choose abortion simply to retain anonymity? That was never an issue for any of the birthmothers I have known. I wouldn't go so far as to claim that it was never a factor in any abortion, but how do those who oppose open records justify their claim that it's enough of a factor to keep birthfamilies forever separated?

As for me, I was fortunate enough to be reunited a year and a half ago, and I cannot begin to tell you what a healing journey this one is! 

Well, I will be curious to see what you think about this issue. Thanks in advance for your input.

There are all kinds of prisons, physical and mental - or emotional I suppose - and I have to admit that being confined by this immobilization sling and subject to the vagaries of other people's schedules to actually get out of the house - drive to the store, or go out to eat, or any of those little tasks that define the day of a person with my level of independence - OK! I confess that I am feeling the strain! And I am surrounded, as well, by the myriad of half-finished tasks that would require a second good arm to finish. In short I things are getting messy around here. Writing, even with the tablet, is slow, and I find myself focusing more on the result than the process, more on appearance than on content. I suppose that's because I've spent so many years on the typesetting and proofreading side of the fence.

So why all the kvetching? It's back to the faith issue. Do I believe that God has all my moments in his book, as the psalmist says? My friends think they are doing the good, noble, Christian thing when they say, "Well, we'll just claim healing for that Shoulder! We'll just speak pain-free to that shoulder!"

Right now someone out there is saying, "You think you've got it bad? You should be in my shoes!" Well, yes. That's the point. Our tribulations not only come to strengthen us, they come to teach us compassion on others. How can I know what it's like to walk in your shoes if I've never done it at one level or another?

And yet, now, after 15 months of chronic pain and 2 surgeries on the same shoulder, after a year of pain medication and trying to explain what it's like, more often than not, my answer to "How are you?" is, "Oh, just fine, thanks." At some point this whole journey becomes "just you and me, Lord, just you and me." I no longer expect anyone to comprehend, to offer assistance, to care for me. It's just me and Him now.

Thanks for listening. This is more of a ramble than a blog, today.

I think my best bet will be the handwriting recognition feature on my graphics tablet. It's not perfect but I can do edits. At least I can get my thoughts down more quickly than trying to type with one hand.

What got me started was Dean Barnett's post this morning about Joe Rago and his attitude about bloggers

I told Dean about my experiences as a graphic artist during the advent of computers in the publishing field. Many of my colleagues in the field refused to embrace computers and "desktop publishing", believing that amateurs would try to do their own (newsletters, business stationary, fill-in-the-blank), and ruin our business. They were right about some things, at least at first. Many people, and especially small businesses, invested in the equipment and software and began doing their own newsletters and small jobs. But as time passed, another dynamic began to take effect. Those of us who embraced the technology and understood that the computer was just a tool, just like an exacto knife or a rapidograph began doing the kind of production work we couldn't have done before. Some of the jobs were too complex, jobs that would have taken armies of graphic arts specialists to produce an effect that a computer could do in a few minutes. Instead of having less work to do, the good ones have more.

Look at the publishing business. Not only are there more books being printed there's more of everything being printed, including that huge source of published material, the Internet. Good graphic artists who have developed their computer skills have work while those who didn't have closed down their businesses.  

OK, that's just to point out that the computer, as a tool, has enhanced our professional capabilities, probably not in every profession, but I would guess in most. But if you view the computer, and its corollary technologies, as an adversary, you end up with an attitude like Joe Rago. And you may end up without a job.

In the meantime, word has come that Saddam Hussein is dead. That's going to take some time to digest.

I've never blogged before, and I'm starting out handicapped, so I appreciate all the help, support, encouragement I can get. A special thanks to Dean Barnett. You didn't know what you were unleashing!

So, here goes. I'm going to start with a few comments.

The New Year: I hope this one is better than the one ending.

Saddam's hanging: the sooner the better.

The Duke "rape" case: heads should roll.

Immigration: fence, please! You said you would!

President Bush: I can't express how disappointed I am, but I wouldn't change my vote.

The elections: not a surprise. It will be interesting to watch. Like sausage making, only worse.

Well, it's back to therapy for the broken wing. More later.